Cusack's Blog

Early Christians couldn't serve in the military because it involved pagan sacrifices, not because of an objection to the military service itself. . . .

Ought I Chloroform My Neighbor?

A Brief Primer for the Hesitant

In a word, yes. Chloroform early and often, but never in order to deceive or harm. If you’re like most readers, you occasionally chloroform a neighbor or loved one as a simple parlor trick or while making a point about the validity of a codicil, but have you ever considered chloroforming under the following circumstances?

• At dinner parties, in order to pilfer your neighbor’s baked custard
• At backyard barbecues, in order to pilfer your neighbor’s grilled chop
• At frontyard barbecues, in order to impress your neighbor’s neighbors (who may also be your neighbors, and as such may need chloroforming themselves)
• When stealthily absconding with art (Oi, careful! Do not abscond with abstract art, as it is not real art)
• When confronted with the truth on a sunny afternoon
• In the dentist’s office, in order to better read your neighbor’s copy of Better Homes and Gardens
• At the beach, in order to take credit for your neighbor’s sand castle (chloroform at least one hour after eating)
• On the battlefield, in order to effect general anesthesia during impromptu limb amputation (Mexican-American War and War of Northern Aggression only)
• While riding the city bus (chloroform self)

A few chloroform “nevers”:

• Never chloroform a woman; women hate that.
• Never chloroform a member of the Swiss Guard; the Vatican hates that.
• Never chloroform yourself while standing upright; you will surely fall and bloody your brow on a boot scraper or a toy tractor.
• Never chloroform your chemist; he will rebel and stop selling you chloroform. Chloroform your chemist once and you will need to chloroform him every time you want more chloroform. I beg you, take this one seriously.
• Never chloroform in the workplace unless your employee handbook expressly allows it.
• Never chloroform a team mascot; that’s poor sportsmanship

As one who has spent most of her life squarely in the “chloroform first, ask questions later” camp, I must admit that I’ve finally learned to ask questions first and chloroform later — in some cases, years later. This saves both time and bail money.

— Esther Wilberforce Packard
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QUEBEC

Judge overrules father’s discipline of unruly child

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ALBERTA

Tribunal orders evangelical pastor to cease preaching

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CHILE

Constitutional Court outlaws morning-after pill

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SOUTH AMERICA

Newspaper: Virgin Mary Prevented Colombia War

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AUSTRIA

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Around the Sphere

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It makes me feel like a traitor to write this. The Second World War was my religion for most of my life. Brave, alone, bombed, defiant, we, the British, had won it on our own against the most evil and powerful enemy imaginable, writes Peter Hitchens at The Mail on Sunday.

Whatever happened to the good old working man?

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Political myths

The Republicans (and the Democrats) have made the great error of believing their own propaganda, as well as relying on stereotype in stead of reality, writes Daniel Larison at Eunomia.
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