Cusack's Blog

Early Christians couldn't serve in the military because it involved pagan sacrifices, not because of an objection to the military service itself. . . .

Ought I Chloroform My Neighbor?

A Brief Primer for the Hesitant

In a word, yes. Chloroform early and often, but never in order to deceive or harm. If you’re like most readers, you occasionally chloroform a neighbor or loved one as a simple parlor trick or while making a point about the validity of a codicil, but have you ever considered chloroforming under the following circumstances?

• At dinner parties, in order to pilfer your neighbor’s baked custard
• At backyard barbecues, in order to pilfer your neighbor’s grilled chop
• At frontyard barbecues, in order to impress your neighbor’s neighbors (who may also be your neighbors, and as such may need chloroforming themselves)
• When stealthily absconding with art (Oi, careful! Do not abscond with abstract art, as it is not real art)
• When confronted with the truth on a sunny afternoon
• In the dentist’s office, in order to better read your neighbor’s copy of Better Homes and Gardens
• At the beach, in order to take credit for your neighbor’s sand castle (chloroform at least one hour after eating)
• On the battlefield, in order to effect general anesthesia during impromptu limb amputation (Mexican-American War and War of Northern Aggression only)
• While riding the city bus (chloroform self)

A few chloroform “nevers”:

• Never chloroform a woman; women hate that.
• Never chloroform a member of the Swiss Guard; the Vatican hates that.
• Never chloroform yourself while standing upright; you will surely fall and bloody your brow on a boot scraper or a toy tractor.
• Never chloroform your chemist; he will rebel and stop selling you chloroform. Chloroform your chemist once and you will need to chloroform him every time you want more chloroform. I beg you, take this one seriously.
• Never chloroform in the workplace unless your employee handbook expressly allows it.
• Never chloroform a team mascot; that’s poor sportsmanship

As one who has spent most of her life squarely in the “chloroform first, ask questions later” camp, I must admit that I’ve finally learned to ask questions first and chloroform later — in some cases, years later. This saves both time and bail money.

— Esther Wilberforce Packard

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